Harmonious Hearts 2017 Read online

“He said we can’t date,” Derek moaned as his forehead hit the table. Alexa rubbed circles on his back as Allie watched, an unimpressed look on her face. She can screw herself. We can’t all have a fairy tale ending.

  “Did he say why?” Alexa asked.

  “No.” He saw the two exchange a glance. Allie shrugged, but Alexa shook her head.

  “It’s up to you,” Allie muttered as she stood. “I’ll text you later.” She kissed Alexa and left, the noise of the after-school bustle filling the empty space.

  Alexa sighed. Derek waited for her to say something. “Give him time.” She didn’t say why, and his dad picked him up before she could elaborate. Derek didn’t care. He spent the night playing Overwatch and eating Pringles. If his parents found anything amiss, they didn’t say.

  The next day, he ignored Thomas as much as possible. Derek knew it hurt Thomas, but he also couldn’t bear to look at him. It might have stung Thomas to have his remarks go unanswered, but being in his presence made Derek’s heart ache and his muscles tense.

  He didn’t expect Allie to pull himself over at lunch. “You’re breaking his heart,” she told him, arms crossed so her impressive biceps reminded him of every person who had ever thrown a punch in his direction.

  Derek let out a hollow laugh. “That’s rich. He’s the one who said no to me,” he reminded her.

  Allie sighed and uncrossed her arms. “He’s autistic like Alexa, okay? I think he’s worried you won’t accept him. It’s the same thing with her. I won’t say that it’s easy. You have to memorize a lot of little things and communication is key. But I… I’ve never been happier in my life.” Allie’s eyes shuttered off, hiding the emotion that bubbled up whenever she talked about Alexa. “And if you two talked like adults, I think you’d have a chance at that too.”

  “Thomas isn’t autistic,” Derek argued. Allie gave him an unimpressed look. He thought about it—the food, the clothes, the way Thomas never sat still—okay, it made sense. Derek didn’t know how he hadn’t connected the dots before. They all knew about Alexa, after all. “What should I do?”

  “Tell him you don’t care. That you’ll be as understanding as possible and care for him all the same. And don’t fuck up.” With that, Allie decided she had done her duty and left.

  Derek didn’t go back to the cafeteria until he knew Thomas would be gone.

  It didn’t matter to him that Thomas was autistic. Derek didn’t know a lot about it, but after a few hours on the Internet, he found out that it wasn’t a disease, that autistic people were all different, and that he really needed to apologize to Alexa for a few years of casual ignorance. Doing research made Derek feel better, made him think he could convince Thomas that they could date.

  He just didn’t know how to bring it up.

  Alexa sighed when he asked. “I didn’t feel comfortable telling you. Not because I thought you’d react in a bad way, but because it’s not my secret to tell. But I guess Allie thought different.” She played with one of her rings. “Thomas is a good person. We talk a lot about school and being on the spectrum, and he likes superheroes too. But he’s been hurt and you need to remember that.”

  “So what do you think I should do?” Derek asked, wondering if he sounded as desperate as he felt.

  The last week of tension had thrown into sharp focus just how close he and Thomas had become. Derek almost sent a text freaking out about the latest Pacific Rim news before remembering they hadn’t talked since the rejection. Even in class their conversations were nonexistent, nothing more than nods and nudges.

  Derek had thought he hated English before, everything swimming together into alphabet soup, but now he had to deal with the loss of Thomas’s comments. Nothing was more boring than listening to people talk about The Scarlet Letter without Thomas muttering about slut-shaming and how half the class hadn’t read the book. That included Derek, but Thomas helped him with discussion questions and essays, anyway. Thomas was the only reason Derek was passing English with a B.

  Of course, Derek missed Thomas for more than because he increased Derek’s likelihood of graduating on time.

  “Three things,” Alexa said, holding up that many fingers. “One, tell him you know he’s autistic. Two, tell him you don’t care and you want to date him anyway. Three, prove you actually mean that by being the best friend you can possibly be.” She looked past him, not meeting his eyes. Derek didn’t need to see hers to know she was full of genuine care and concern. “You’re both my friends and I think you could be happy together. Just don’t screw up.”

  “Thanks. Allie told me that too.”

  Alexa smiled. “She’s pretty great, isn’t she?”

  Derek thought about how the two got along. Not perfectly, but just right. How they would fight and talk about what happened, how they could fix the problem. How Allie remembered that Alexa hated odd numbers and loved green gummy bears and never said her preferences were weird or inconvenient. How Alexa made up for her inability to read the mood by making it clear how she felt, which so often was almost suffocating love for Allie.

  Derek wondered if he and Thomas could ever come close.

  “I THINK we’d, uh, be good together,” Derek explained, staring at his feet and hoping Thomas didn’t think he was an idiot. “And I… I’m okay with you being autistic. Like, I’m going to screw up and, like, make mistakes because I’m bad at, like, everything, but I want to try. If I fail then you can tell me and break up with me. Whatever. But we should try first. I think we should.”

  He had thought about what to say for a good hour the night before, staring at his ceiling and trying to imagine what could get his point across best. In the end, Derek had drawn blank after blank. From the way Thomas had yet to reply, Derek wasn’t too hopeful about his stuttering, stumbling speech changing Thomas’s mind.

  At least he would be able to say he tried.

  “I… didn’t realize you knew. And I… did think about that.” At Thomas’s words, Derek looked up. Thomas didn’t meet his gaze. “But I didn’t think you would think my… autism would be a problem. You’re a good friend to me and to Alexa, and I appreciate everything you do to make me comfortable. I really do. And I want to stay friends with you. But we can’t date. I’m sorry.” Silence.

  “Do you like me?” Derek asked.

  Thomas nodded.

  That didn’t make Derek feel any better.

  He was determined not to let this affect their friendship. Derek tried to text Thomas whenever he found something Thomas would enjoy. He laughed at the little comments Thomas made during English. They sat together at lunch and traded fanfic recommendations.

  And every time Thomas smiled or laughed, all Derek wanted to do was grab him and kiss him. Every time Thomas looked at Derek, eyes soft and warm, Derek had to resist the urge to hold him and never let go. In many ways, this was worse than ignoring each other. They pretended nothing had changed, and maybe that was fine for Thomas, but Derek felt like he was suffocating.

  He had never had a crush like this before. It was reaching levels of absurdity that, unfortunately, Cynthia liked to point out.

  “Seriously, you have actual heart eyes when you look at him. Actual heart eyes. How does he not know?” As soon as it came out, she seemed to realize the truth. It was a bit satisfying to hear her mouth snap shut, but not enough to fix the sour mood Derek found himself in.

  “You just had to say something,” John muttered, rolling his eyes. He was sitting on the opposite end of the table as it was a John and Cynthia week. Thomas was gone, though he had texted, saying it was just a routine doctor’s appointment.

  Derek sighed, sensing the argument approaching. “Not now, guys.” John shot him a sideways glance, a flash of pity on his face. Derek had half a mind to tell him just where he could shove his pity.

  Alexa spoke up before he could. “What are you doing this weekend?” she asked, changing the topic.

  “Playing video games and trying to finish Parsley’s essay. What about you, Allie?
” Cynthia replied, balling up her trash and tossing it at the can. She missed, hitting John’s shoulder instead. It was probably intentional, but no one called her out on it.

  “Alexa and I are shopping for dresses,” Allie admitted with the same tone as someone announcing they had a painful rash in a private area. Derek groaned. Of course they are. The annual winter dance was in a few weeks, and everyone in the school participated since it was the big romantic event of the semester. Derek had never gone with anyone but his friends, but this was the first year he had someone he wanted to go with.

  Because yes, Derek wanted to dress in a poorly fitting vest and suit jacket. He wanted to have matching bow ties with Thomas. He wanted to get two cups of punch and step on Thomas’s toes as they shuffled awkwardly on the dance floor. He wanted to give Thomas a good night kiss on the doorstep of his rickety, too-small-for-a-family-of-five house.

  He wanted to make Thomas happy, yes, but Derek wouldn’t pass on being happy too.

  “YEAH, YOU look great,” Derek said in what was probably the least enthusiastic tone he had ever used. Alexa frowned and skipped over, dress fluttering around her knees.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked as she sat, the bed sagging under their combined weight. They were in her room waiting for Allie and Thomas to come so they could all go to the dance together. Allie could drive, so they were going to pile into her car and meet up with JohnandCynthia at the school.

  God, sometimes Derek hated his friends.

  Derek hung his head and looked at his shiny new shoes. His dad had gone all out, letting him pick out a new suit with a stunning silver vest and matching tie. Every man needs a suit that fits him and a pair of shoes that can blind the sun, he had said. Even though I’m going alone? Derek had replied, knowing he sounded ungrateful. His dad had just patted him on the back and didn’t give him too much grief when he got pineapple on his pizza.

  “You’ll have fun,” Alexa told Derek, nudging him. “I bet Thomas will dance with you if you ask.”

  “I don’t want to dance with him,” Derek lied. Alexa raised an eyebrow. “Okay, I want to dance with him and kiss him and go on dates with him. But we’ve talked about this. I’m not the one who’s acting like a child and not explaining his stupid feelings.” There was a moment of silence. “Listen, I don’t want to talk about it. Nothing I say will change anything so let’s just….” Derek waved a hand. “They’re going to be here soon.”

  “Yeah.” Alexa sighed. “You know I’m not good with feelings. But. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

  Derek let out a bitter laugh. “It just figures, y’know? I finally find someone I’d date, and he likes me back, but he refuses to date me.”

  Alexa nodded as her phone buzzed. Instantly her attention was pulled away, a smile lighting up her face as she read the message.

  “They’ll be here in five minutes,” she said. “Come on, I still have to do my eyeliner.”

  Alexa finished her makeup as Derek struggled with his bow tie. They pulled their shoes on and she fixed his collar. When they agreed the other was presentable and Meghan had taken several photos of them, Alexa gave Derek one final hug. The look of surprise on his face must have been obvious because she slugged him on the shoulder and laughed.

  “You’re my friend. I’m sad that you’re sad. But you aren’t allowed to mope for the whole dance, okay? I won’t let you.” She spoke with such conviction that Derek was almost convinced. As it was, he gave her a small smile. “Now come on, Allie won’t wait forever!”

  Thomas wasn’t in the car when they got outside. “He’s meeting us there,” Allie explained. Derek pretended he wasn’t disappointed as they drove to the school, the setting sun casting orange and pink across the sky.

  The music was too loud, the lights too dim, and the punch watered down, so Derek felt no guilt brooding in the corner. His heart definitely didn’t skip a beat when he saw Thomas walk in, outlined by the bright hallway as he entered the gym. His clothes were a bit baggy, hair still shaggy, and it was strange to see him without his leather jacket, but Derek thought he was beautiful.

  “Hey,” Derek shouted, waving. Thomas didn’t hear him and walked to the snack table. Derek sighed. Figures.

  “You should ask him to dance,” John said in Derek’s ear.

  Caught off guard, Derek jumped about a foot in the air. “Where did you come from?”

  “He likes you,” John continued, ignoring the question. “Even if you two aren’t dating. We all see the way he looks at you when you aren’t looking.” John patted Derek on the arm. “Next slow song. Ask him to dance. I’ve got fifteen on you two making out tonight. Don’t let me down.” With that, John disappeared back into the crowd. Derek didn’t want to know who had bet against him.

  He also had no wish to embarrass himself further and was prepared to stand there for the rest of the night, alone and miserable. Of course, Thomas had to come over and give him that heartbreaking smile.

  “Mind if I join you?” he asked.

  Derek waved a hand. “Feel free.”

  The two stood there, listening to the bad pop music and watching people see how far they could go before the chaperones stepped in. Allie was spinning Alexa around. They were completely offbeat, but there was a huge smile on Alexa’s face. Derek knew John and Cynthia were probably making out in a corner somewhere.

  Because the world hated Derek, the music began to shift from a blood-pumping beat to a calm, soothing tune. Realizing it was a slow dance, couples found each other and single people lurked at the edges. Derek glanced at Thomas. He was holding a cup of punch, biting his upper lip. He had gotten a haircut recently, but it still flopped every which way, and Derek didn’t think there had been any attempt to fix that.

  Derek blushed as Thomas glanced over at him. For a moment their eyes met, and Derek knew he would gladly have stayed there, locked in place by the unmistakable affection and warmth that whirled in Thomas’s brown eyes. Then Thomas looked away and drank from his punch, gaze focused on the ground.

  “Do you want to dance?” Derek blurted out. “I know you like me and you know I like you and… we don’t have to date, I promise. I won’t bother you about it again. Just… one dance. For both of us?” The lights shifted, and they illuminated Thomas’s brown skin, making him glow.

  “Okay.” The word was so soft that Derek thought he was imagining it, but then Thomas turned, set his cup aside, and smiled at Derek. “One dance.”

  Derek’s hands were slick with sweat, and he tried to brush them off on his pants before hesitating. Should he put his hands on Thomas’s hips? Should they hold each other’s shoulders? How did this work with two guys?

  Thomas seemed to have no hesitation. He grabbed Derek’s hips, pulling him a bit closer because his arms were shorter. “Hold my shoulders,” Thomas instructed. Derek did. Their height difference was only a few inches, but looking down at Thomas made a surge of warmth flood Derek. Even the scowl Thomas shot him did nothing to lessen the feeling. “What are you smiling at?” Thomas asked.

  “You,” Derek replied before realizing most people probably would have lied.

  “You’re weird,” Thomas retaliated, though the faint blush gave away his embarrassment. “Most people would hate someone who turned them down twice, not ask them to dance.”

  Derek shrugged. “I’m not most people.”

  They shuffled back and forth, not really dancing. Only seven, maybe eight inches lay between them and it would be easy, too easy, for Derek to just lean forward and kiss Thomas. He didn’t, but the temptation was there.

  There were three possible endings to this, Derek knew.

  One, Thomas changed his mind and agreed to date, so overcome by the romance and how right it felt to hold each other that anything else was impossible to conceive. They’d at least have a chance at happiness together.

  Two, Thomas decided he was disgusted by the mere presence of Derek, to the point where Thomas wanted nothing to do with him. It would break Derek�
�s heart, but he’d live. He’d been left by someone he thought he loved once before, after all.

  Three, and more likely than the others, nothing changed. Derek and Thomas parted, they continued to sulk in the corners of the gym, and the next time they saw each other, it would be as friends. Sooner or later Derek would move on, and things would be okay. He’d always be a little bitter about the situation, Derek knew, but he would be damned if he let it get in the way of their friendship.

  So, of course, none of those things happened. Derek found that they crept closer and closer until mere inches separated them. It was impossible to look anywhere but Thomas’s eyes, even though he was staring at the ground. The deep brown was full of happiness. Derek knew, uncertainties aside, that his feelings were returned.

  But Derek didn’t want to overstep and kiss Thomas, so he just leaned forward and let their foreheads touch. It was simple, a connection between the two of them that seemed as natural as breathing. Derek let his eyes slide closed, shifting his hands so one cupped Thomas’s jaw. He didn’t move to kiss Thomas, knowing better than to presume he had permission to, but God, he wanted to know what those chapped lips felt like against his own.

  Then the music ended, returning to a dance mix, and Thomas pulled away. Even in the dim lighting, Derek saw tears in Thomas’s eyes. Without a word, Thomas ran away. Derek hesitated for a moment, but he had to know what had happened, what he had done wrong. He chased after Thomas, bursting through the gym doors and following the sounds of gasping sobs and shoes sliding on the floor.

  “Leave me alone!” Thomas shouted as he slipped and fell. He got to his knees, back to Derek. His entire form was shaking, and Derek forced himself to stay a good distance away.

  “What did I do?” Derek asked. “I—just tell me what I did and I’ll fix it,” he swore. Thomas took in a gulp of air. He turned and stood, tears and snot running down his face. “Thomas, I—”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the problem.” Thomas rubbed at his face as if he could hide the evidence of crying. “I want to date you, Derek. I’ve never liked someone as much as I like you. Everything you do makes me feel happy and safe and—”