Harmonious Hearts 2017 Read online

  BEHIND THE fairgrounds, the ground sloped down to a creek. I found my way there and slowed to a walk as I approached the water. My breath came hard and fast after my run, and the rain had beaten my bangs slick against my face. I tried to smooth them back, but they kept flopping forward into my eyes. Mud splattered my dress and my shoes were soaked through. The afternoon was still warm, so I wasn’t in danger of getting hypothermia, but the rain didn’t seem to be letting up either.

  I sat on a rock at the edge of the creek. After a moment of consideration, I peeled my wet shoes off my feet and flung them into the water.

  “I’m Roswell Collins,” I repeated, but it felt feeble now. This was a huge mistake.

  After sitting for a while, I started to feel like a wet rat. I was bedraggled, outcast, and muddy. I rehearsed ways I could apologize to my family. Yes, I was finally sure that I was a boy inside, but did I need approval from my parents to be Roswell? Maybe I could go on pretending to be Rose and just live as Roswell when I was alone. Maybe staying on the farm wouldn’t be so bad as long as my family still loved me….

  Eventually the rain let up. It was still drizzling lightly, but the clouds were beginning to disperse, and I could tell the storm wouldn’t last much longer. I thought about picking myself up and crawling apologetically back to my parents’ feet.

  Just as I was inwardly berating myself for throwing away my shoes, I heard a voice behind me.

  “Hey,” Jay said. “Mind if I sit?”

  I shrugged with my back to him. After a moment he came up next to me and settled on a nearby rock. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and peered at my face, but I resolutely ignored him, staring forward into the water.

  “Hey,” he repeated, softer. “What’s a lonely bowl of oatmeal doing way out here?”

  That made me crack a smile, but it faded quickly. “I’m hiding from my parents,” I mumbled. “I made a stupid mistake, running from the dance. Now my parents are going to be mad and I’ll be in huge trouble.”

  “Yeah, what was that about?”

  I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  “It matters to me.”

  “Well, I guess they want me to stay on the farm forever. I don’t want that. I’d rather go away to college, but….” I shrugged again, a weak movement of my shoulders.

  “It’s more than that,” Jay insisted. After a second, he added, “Roswell.”

  I inhaled raggedly. “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. The truth is… I don’t want to be Rose Collins anymore. I think, deep down inside, I’m actually Roswell. I’m actually a guy.” I snorted, gesturing at my dress. “Not that you’d think it right now. You probably think I’m pretty dumb.”

  “Not at all,” said Jay. “You can be a guy in whatever clothes you want.”

  I looked at him with surprise. “You’re not mad?”

  He shrugged. “I have a friend who came out as transgender a while ago. Also, it’s just human decency. You can be whoever you want to be. When you first told me your name was Roswell, I accepted it. You are who you say you are.”

  “I am who I say I am,” I repeated and risked a sideways glance in Jay’s direction. He was almost as soaked as I was, with his hair hanging down into his face and his jeans several shades darker than they were earlier.

  “How’d you get so wet?” I asked, distracted.

  He looked taken aback. “Looking for you, obviously.”

  That brought me back to the issue at hand. “Are my parents super mad?”

  He shook his head. “I think they’re mostly just worried. They don’t know where you went. They’re afraid they pushed you too far with that stunt. I think it was pretty stupid, myself. What do they think about you as a guy?”

  “They don’t want me to be one.” The drizzle was tapering off now, and only a few rogue raindrops landed on Jay and me where we sat. “They want me to stay as their daughter Rose, and not go off to college, and manage the farm forever. I told them I was actually Roswell, and they acted really weird. They didn’t even get mad, just pretended it never happened. And then this.”

  Jay frowned. A little line formed between his eyebrows, which I wanted to reach forward and smooth out. “I’m sorry,” he said. “They clearly don’t understand you. They think they’re losing their daughter, and they don’t realize that they’re gaining a son in return who will act and feel exactly the same way Rose used to.” He reached out and touched my shoulder once, lightly. “Don’t let them get you down. They still love you. If you explain, really explain that this isn’t a phase, and it’s not something you’re going to give up, hopefully they’ll understand.”

  “And if they don’t?” I whispered.

  He took a deep breath. “Have you ever wondered why I live with my grandparents?”

  I thought about it for a second. “Not really.”

  “Well,” Jay said, “when I was pretty little, my mom died in a car accident.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. Hesitantly, I reached out and took his hand. My damp fingers intertwined with his, and after a moment he squeezed my hand back.

  “Thanks,” he said. “But it was a long time ago. My point is, after that my dad was never the same. My mom used to be a really good violinist, and my dad started pressuring me to take after her. But I was never that great at the violin, and he got disappointed in me. He drank, and he threw out my video games, and eventually I got taken away from him and given into my grandparents’ custody.” He paused. “I’m super lucky that they were willing to take me in. They were my mom’s parents, so they understood my dad’s feelings for her. That was four years ago, and they’ve taken really good care of me ever since.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” I squeezed Jay’s hand in mine again. “That sounds terrible.”

  He shook his head, eyes slightly unfocused, as if he was looking into the past. Then he turned his gaze to mine again. “My point is, my dad didn’t approve of me. Losing my mom broke him. A lot of times, I felt like he didn’t love me for who I was at all, only as a memory of her.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Because what I’m trying to say is that you don’t need your parents’ approval to survive. I’m sure that they’ll want to understand you and love you as Roswell, but even if they don’t, you’re strong. You’ll make it through. Besides, you have other people who care about you.”

  I frowned. “Like who?”

  That was when Jay leaned forward and kissed me.

  I froze as his lips touched mine. He was warm, despite the rainwater still coating his skin, and he seemed to know what he was doing. After a moment I allowed myself to kiss back just a little. Then I jerked my head away, and Jay stopped, looking at me evenly and waiting for me to speak.

  “Um,” I said. “What was that?”

  Jay looked a little uncertain. “That was me… expressing the fact that I care about you.”

  “I’m not a girl,” I said dumbly. “Does that matter?”

  He leaned back. “Only if you don’t like boys. I should have thought about that, I guess. Sorry.”

  “No, I….” I thought about it. “I guess I still do. But you….”

  “Roswell, I know exactly who you are.” He smiled. “I’m not scared that you’re a guy, or that you’re transgender. I like you for who you are.”

  “Oh,” I whispered in a very small voice.

  Jay raised an eyebrow. “Also, I’m bisexual.”

  We looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, and then we both laughed. Anxious thoughts were still buzzing in my head, but Jay’s reassurance went a long way toward soothing them. I realized I was still holding his hand and let go of it to wipe my hair out of my face as I took a deep, shaky breath.

  “You okay?” Jay asked, brows furrowing again. “I realize I just threw kind of a lot of stuff at you at once… sorry. It’s just that I’m not going to be here for long after summer ends, and I wanted to let you know how I felt.”

  I stood up
. “I need to talk to my parents. If they don’t accept me… that’s their problem. But from now on, whether they agree or not….” I straightened my back and forced myself to say it with confidence. “I’m Roswell Collins.”

  “You’re Roswell Collins,” Jay agreed, standing as well. “But, uh… what does this mean about us? How do you feel about me?”

  “You’re not getting away from me that easily, Applesauce,” I said and winked.

  Jay laughed and offered me his arm for our wet, muddy trek back to the fairgrounds.

  A month later:

  THE SUN was setting over the hills as I pounded the last nail into the fence. “Phew,” I said, stepping back and wiping one glove across my forehead. I was wearing my favorite loose overalls, the ones with the patch over the knee, and my hair had been freshly cut short enough that it no longer fell into my eyes every time I bent over.

  I dropped my hammer into the grass. “I think that looks good, yeah?”

  From the other side of the fence, Jay grinned at me. “I don’t know anything about fence repair, but if you say it’s fixed, I believe you.”

  “Not a bad job, if I say so myself,” I reflected, taking a step back to look at our work. “We make a good team, Applesauce.”

  “All I did was hold things wherever you told me to. And would you stop calling me that?” he laughed.

  “Not until you stop making incredibly delicious applesauce. Which will be never, so you might as well give up now.”

  Jay mock glared, then lunged over the fence, grabbing me by the arms and pulling me in. “Get over here,” he growled. “If you’re going to keep calling me Applesauce, I’ll have to exact my revenge.”

  “What, are you going to go back to calling me Oatmeal?” I joked.

  He shook his head. “That name is too bland for a handsome specimen like you, Roswell.” Then he leaned in and kissed me before pulling away again. “My revenge shall take the form of affection.”

  “This seems like a win-win situation for me,” I commented before Jay kissed me again.

  “Ew!” a shrill voice yelped, and I pulled away from Jay to find Katie approaching us. She stuck her tongue out, then extended a paper bag. “Here, Mom told me to give you guys sandwiches in case you were working past dinner.”

  “Hey, Katie,” Jay said, waving.

  “You guys are gross.” Katie pouted as I took the bag from her. But she laughed when I pulled the sandwiches out and made an expression of mock surprise.

  “What! No PB&J?” I exclaimed.

  “You hate PB&J,” Katie giggled. “Those are turkey. I made them myself!”

  “Thanks, Katie,” I said seriously.

  She nodded. “No problem. Just make sure you and your boyfriend don’t stay out too late. Mom told me she wants you back before dark, okay, Roswell?” Although her words were teasing, the acceptance in her face made my heart swell with happiness. Katie understood who I was now, and she was okay with it.

  I smiled at her. “I’ll be back, don’t worry.” Then she turned and ran through the grass toward the house.

  I looked back at Jay.

  “So your parents are doing okay with it?” he asked.

  I nodded. “They still slip up sometimes, and I don’t think Mom is really happy about losing one of her daughters. But they’re trying.”

  “That’s good,” he said, leaning forward with his elbows on the newly repaired fence.

  “Yeah.” I paused. “When are you going to Berkeley?”

  “Beginning of September. There’s some orientation stuff before classes start.”

  I nodded. “And will you come back for holidays?”

  “Oh yeah. You think I’d miss out on this face?” He squeezed one of my cheeks as I protested. “Plus, my grandparents want to see me as often as they can. They like it out here, but I think they get lonely.”

  “I’ll tell my parents to ask them to dinner sometime.” I turned and leaned back on the fence myself so Jay and I were facing the same direction.

  A pause grew between us, but it was a friendly one. Finally Jay asked, “So what’s next for you?”

  “Well, my parents said maybe we could visit a couple of colleges next month.”

  “Hey, awesome! And after that?”

  “I dunno.” I looked at him, trying to memorize every facet of his face, his spiky black hair, his warm eyes and smiling mouth. “I’ll figure it out.”

  And for the first time in a long time, I really believed it.

  CLAIRE HEKKALA is a college student currently attending the Oregon State University Honors College. She is an only child, but her cat Misty and dog Nelly make certain that even without siblings, she is never truly alone. She has played violin for eleven years, recently started learning the ukulele, and has five fully stocked bookshelves in her room at home. Despite her voracious reading habits, she never gets tired of reading and writing, and it’s quite possible that she would do it all day if she had the time. She loves the Pacific Northwest but also loves to travel and takes way too many pictures when she does. She can be contacted on a Tumblr blog which she made solely for her authorial exploits.

  Tumblr: clairehekkala.tumblr.com

  It’s the Journey

  By Mattye Johnson

  All Felix wants is to know who he is and what exactly that entails. In a risky attempt to challenge his aversion to sex, he comes face-to-face with another boy not much older than himself. Deciding to trust this stranger—William—he goes home with him. The night may lead Felix to a better understanding of himself—and perhaps a new friend who accepts him just as he is.

  FELIX HAS always been an abandoned boat amidst a sea of waves, tumbling violently whenever a storm hits and unable to steady himself until it passes. The isolation prevents him from receiving aid in times of turmoil, but on the other hand, it creates a wall around his emotions so others cannot manipulate them.

  Felix is a lot of things, but mostly, Felix is confused.

  This confusion is amplified when his mother looks at him one morning, eyes squinting a bit, and points to his coat hanging on the coatrack by the door.

  “I want you out of my house,” she states in a pleasant voice. He thinks she probably sees the expression of abject terror that flashes across his features because she quickly clarifies.

  “I just want you to go somewhere else for a bit, sweetie, with friends or something. I don’t think you’ve left the basement in months. And that can’t be healthy, Felix.”

  Felix finds that the last thing he wishes to do is leave his basement. The basement is safe; there, other’s perceptions and the anxious thoughts that form in his mind over every little instance don’t plague him.

  “Uh, Mom. You don’t mean that.”

  His mother rises from her seat and shakes her head as she walks toward the door.

  “I do mean it. Find somewhere to be for tonight. Somewhere other than here.”

  Felix sighs. He knows he can’t win.

  FELIX SHIVERS and stares at the mass of people surrounding him. Not a second goes by where he is not pushed out of the way by an impatient partygoer or bumped into by an inebriated teen, the latter spewing falsely sincere apologies as they continue on their way. He can already feel the telltale pricking of sweat in his pores and the increase of breathing that causes him to lose all semblance of control over his thoughts. It’s perfect, really—word will travel back to his mother one way or another as proof that he actually went somewhere that involved so-called “socializing.” Until then, however, he is going to have to deal with the unpleasant fallout of this particular choice.

  Beer sloshes onto his neck from an unknown source. Everything sounds the same now. It has all faded into a uniform white static that encompasses the screams and shouts of teenagers and the throbbing dance music the supposed deejay has already long abandoned. He figured that particular fact out several songs ago when the speakers began to blare a song from Aladdin and everyone was either too preoccupied or too drunk to care.


  A familiar sensation washes over him, the warning that he is about to retreat into his own mind, neatly box up his thoughts and shove them into a spare room, and shut down from reality. He’s half considering it as a pleasant idea as opposed to a flawed attempt at coping when he feels a light tap on his shoulder.

  Felix flinches and whips around to see who is demanding his attention.

  “Hey!” a girl screams directly into his face. Her cheeks are red, perhaps from the alcohol she’s clutching in her hand, or perhaps from exertion from the party. Felix doesn’t know or particularly care at this point. Nevertheless, he attempts to smile at the girl and stutters out a greeting. She grins even more, somehow.

  “Come with me. I think there’s an empty bedroom upstairs. I just saw Carlos and Christian come downstairs.”

  Felix’s face flushes at the comment, even though he doesn’t know the people she mentioned. From the names, however, he assumes they are both male.

  He doesn’t know whether his blush stems more from that or from the girl’s proposal. He ends up staring at her, eyes wide, mouth attempting to work out an answer. Apparently bored with his lag in response, the girl rolls her eyes and grabs his wrist.

  “Whatever. Just follow me. You can decide there.”

  Faces blur as Felix passes them. A nervous feeling that has been brewing in the pit of his stomach since he arrived has finally decided to evolve into its final form, and as he is pulled along, he can feel his throat constrict.

  When the girl tugs him into the closest vacant bedroom and slams the door behind him, Felix realizes he has chewed a hole through his lip. The slightly salty, metallic taste of his reservations coats the inside of his throat and lines his tongue.

  The girl turns to him and has apparently rid herself of her shirt somewhere between the time she shut the door and now. She’s beginning to look impatient. Her nose is scrunched up and her eyes are far away, as if she is thinking of someone else.