Harmonious Hearts 2017 Read online

  “If you like someone that much, you shouldn’t lie to them about your name,” Katie announced. Then she ran away, leaving my heart pounding in her wake.

  Was she right? Did I like Jay “that much”?

  And was I lying to him?

  Most importantly, who did he think I was? Rose or Roswell? He’d written “To Roswell” on the tag, but my overalls weren’t that loose… surely he could tell by my body type and higher-pitched voice that I wasn’t really a guy.

  For some inexplicable reason, I felt tears threatening. Biting my lip, I lifted the bowl of oatmeal in my left hand and tilted it, letting its contents splatter in the dust.

  THAT NIGHT should have been like any other. I came in from my work, hot and tired as usual, just as twilight was beginning to claim the farm. The yellow electric light in our kitchen was a welcome change from the dim shapes of the barnyard. Mom was stirring a pot of soup as Dad washed his hands at the sink. Katie was sitting at the table, jabbering away about her plans for the Summer Festival.

  “…And then I thought I’d probably go watch the log-climbing competition,” she was saying. “Although I’m not sure because it’s happening at the same time as the dressage event, and you know I love horses. And Melissa is going to come with me on all the rides since she’s the only one of my friends who actually likes roller coasters. I went with Elaine last year, but she got sick after a couple.”

  Standing in the doorway, I thought suddenly, They look like a family. And it was true—the warm lighting painted the three of them in a golden, domestic glow.

  They don’t need me, I thought. The words named something I had felt souring inside me for a long time.

  Just as I thought it, Dad looked up, turning the water off at the sink. “Rose!” he exclaimed. The word was like another dagger sinking into the angry well of my heart.

  I took a step forward, and without meaning to, I said, “Yeah, Dad, about that… I was wondering if you could call me Roswell from now on.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt myself freezing. This is a colossal mistake.

  There was a long silence. “Why?” Dad asked, no longer jovial but careful. Measured.

  I hesitated.

  “Rose doesn’t wanna be a girl anymore,” Katie said suddenly, pouting. “She wants to be a boy and go away to college with her new boyfriend Jay and never see us anymore!”

  “What?” I gasped, but she cut me off, crossing her arms.

  “I found your college magazine. You circled all the ones that were farthest away from here because you hate us!” She stood up, and I recognized the wobble of her lower lip as a sign that she was about to cry. “And you’ve got Jay calling you Roswell because you don’t want anything that reminds you of us, not even your stupid name!”

  “Katie—”

  “I hate you too!” she yelled, and ran to her room, boots clattering loudly on the wooden floor. The door slammed behind her, and then there was silence.

  I couldn’t drag my eyes up from the ground. I didn’t dare look at Mom and Dad. I was sure they were staring at me with disgust, like some horrifying insect that had crawled in to replace their treasured daughter.

  “You should go to your room so your mother and I can talk about this, Rose,” Dad finally said. I winced but nodded.

  Somehow I made it to my room and closed the door before bursting into tears.

  They’ll never accept you now, said a little voice inside my head. Maybe if you behaved, if you danced at the Summer Festival and did all your work and made it through the next school year with good grades, maybe they would have let you go away to college. There you would have had more time to explore who you want to be. But you just had to spring it on them now, and now you’ll never get away. They’ll keep you here forever to make sure you never stop being their darling Rose!

  Out in the kitchen, I heard my parents’ voices begin again. Dad’s low rumble mixed with Mom’s higher, concerned tones. But try as I might, I couldn’t make out individual words.

  I didn’t have to, anyway. I knew what they were saying.

  Why does our daughter want to throw away everything we’ve given her?

  I WOKE groggily the next morning to sun slanting through my window and lighting a square on the opposite wall. I rubbed eyes heavy from crying, then sat up abruptly, realizing it was late! Usually the whole family had to get up when it was still dark in order to attend to the animals properly before the day started. I picked up my bedside clock and looked at it. It was after 8:00 a.m. Why hadn’t anyone come to get me?

  Slowly, I got out of bed and got dressed. Every nerve in my body was thrumming with anxiety. What was waiting for me?

  When I finally emerged from my room, there was no one in the kitchen. Instead there was only a note on the dining table. I lifted it with dread, wondering if the soft crinkle of the paper in my hand was the last thing I was going to feel before my family kicked me out.

  Rose, I read, and my heart sank. Please make sure all the chickens’ eggs are collected and that their yard is clean. Also, you will definitely be dancing in the Summer Festival this year, so pick out a nice dress and think about finding a partner. Love, Mom and Dad.

  A moment passed before my eyes began to blur with tears and I crumpled the note in my fist. Part of me was just relieved that they didn’t hate me, but the rest of me recognized what this was. They’re reminding me of my place in this family. Calling me by my female name, telling me to pick out a nice dress…. Not only had they refused to accept my name change, they were pretending it had never happened.

  I looked down at the overalls I was wearing. If only, beneath the rough denim, I was flat-chested and skinny, maybe then people would assume I was a boy anyway and I wouldn’t have to try to convince them.

  I sat down in a nearby chair and cried.

  DAYS PASSED. Mom and Dad treated me politely, almost gingerly. They took care to make sure everything in the household ran normally. In fact, they took so much care that it was clear it did not feel normal to them.

  They’re waiting for the Summer Festival, I thought. They’re waiting for me to put on a pretty dress and dance like a real girl. Then they’ll finally feel safe with me again.

  Meanwhile, Katie alternated between her usual enthusiastic self and giving me the cold shoulder. I assumed Mom and Dad had told her not to mention my gender issue again, but sometimes she still ignored me. Then the next day she would want to spend all her time with me, asking questions about what I was doing and hanging off every word. It was like an exhausting roller coaster.

  The only times during those couple of weeks that I really felt like myself was when I took Dad’s tool kit and went out to the far side of the pasture, telling everyone I was going to fix the fence. Out there I called myself Roswell and daydreamed about going away to college. Occasionally I saw Jay on the other side of the fence, moving about his grandparents’ farm, but whenever he made as if to approach, I left. I didn’t want him getting interested in Rose, the farm girl. She didn’t exist anymore, even if my parents wanted to pretend she did.

  FINALLY THE day of the Summer Festival came. I sat on the edge of my bed, swinging my feet and watching the minutes tick by on my bedside clock. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this.

  My dress hung from the back of my desk chair. I looked at it like it was a deadly enemy. The thin, pretty fabric repulsed me. It symbolized a life I had finally realized I didn’t want.

  “I’m not a girl,” I said aloud. “My name is Roswell. I’m a boy.”

  The words fell flatly into the air. I wondered why they didn’t fill me with a sense of triumph. Then I heard a knock on the door and flinched.

  “Rose, honey, did you say something?” came Mom’s voice through the wood.

  “No.”

  “Okay. We’re leaving soon, sweetie, so make sure to put on your pretty dress.” Was that a hesitation? “We’re looking forward to seeing you in the dance with your sister and all the others.”

  An
hour later, with thin, floral-print fabric clinging lightly to me, I stepped out of the car and onto the dirt of the fairgrounds. The day was hot, as expected, but gray and cloudy overhead. The air was thick with humidity. Ahead of me, sprouting up from the dust like huge, unwieldy creatures, were the fair’s tents and rides. I couldn’t see the great dance pavilion from here, but I could picture it all too well from years past. The dance had always been awkward for me, as I tended to end up with some other partnerless outcast who didn’t know the steps. This year it seemed an insurmountable obstacle. All those people watching—classmates, neighbors, my parents, Jay….

  It suddenly occurred to me to wonder if Jay was participating in the dance. He’d only been living here for a couple of weeks, and he was leaving again at the end of the summer, so it stood to reason he wouldn’t have wanted to learn the dance moves.

  “Rose, come on!” Katie exclaimed, tugging at my limp hand. “Let’s go look at the games!”

  Over Katie’s shoulder, I accidentally met Mom’s eyes. Unshielded, they were full of concern, confusion, and what seemed like disappointment. Then she realized I was looking back at her, and her eyes shuttered. I wondered if she and Dad had told Katie to drag me around the Festival to make sure I participated.

  “Is something wrong, Rose sweetie?” she asked me.

  “It’s Roswell,” I said and let Katie drag me away toward the exhibits, leaving Mom staring at me with unconcealed worry.

  The tents were loud and full of people. Every time I bumped into someone, their touch seemed to linger on my skin, sealed in by the flimsy fabric of my dress. It felt like there was a great flashing sign over my head, pointing at me: girl girl girl girl girl!

  “Look, Rose!” cried Katie. “It’s your boyfriend.” She pointed ahead to where I saw Jay standing at the edge of one of the tents. He was wearing a tight-fitting black shirt and gray jeans.

  “Oh, Katie, no,” I said, but before I could finish the sentence, Jay turned and spotted us.

  “Would you look at that? The Collins siblings!” he said, approaching. Katie giggled and pushed me forward a little bit, seeming to have forgotten her earlier anger at Jay.

  I looked at Jay, and our eyes met. I saw his gaze dart up and down, taking in my nice shoes and clinging dress. I felt my face turning beet red with embarrassment and indignation.

  When it became obvious I wasn’t going to speak, Jay continued, “I was just submitting my applesauce to the homemade foods competition.” He gestured at the tent behind him. “I don’t expect to win anything, of course, but it gives me something to do while I’m here.”

  “Are you going to be in the dance?” Katie asked slyly.

  I gritted my teeth, but Jay didn’t look at me as he answered, “No, I’m not. Dancing isn’t really my thing, and I thought that was mostly for longtime residents.”

  “Well, Rose and I are going to be in it,” Katie said, hugging my arm close as she beamed up at Jay. “Andy from school is going to be my partner. Rose, who are you going to dance with?”

  I hated the impartial way Jay’s gaze swung to me, as if he was only listening out of politeness. “I don’t know,” I said stiffly. “Anyway, Katie, we’d better get going. The dance is starting soon.” Barely concealed revulsion coated my words.

  “Ooh, yeah!” Katie exclaimed and ran on ahead.

  I looked coolly at Jay. “Enjoying the fair, Applesauce?” I asked. I didn’t wait for his answer before I turned to leave.

  Then I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I hesitated. “Look, Roswell,” he said. I stiffened. “I don’t know why you’re mad at me, but—”

  “Don’t you mean Rose?”

  “What?”

  I turned to face him, shrugging his hand off my shoulder as I did so. “I don’t know if you’re mocking me or what. But clearly”—I gestured at the dress I was wearing—“I’m not a boy. That was decided for me when I was born, and it will never be otherwise, no matter what name I give people or what I tell myself. If you want to be friends, that’s nice, but stop pretending that you see me as Roswell because I know you don’t, and I’m not him. I never will be.”

  His almond eyes were wide and confused. “Roswell—”

  I shook my head and shoved past him, breaking into a run and heading for the dance pavilion, where a large crowd was gathering.

  “The dance will be beginning in just a few minutes,” an announcer cried into a microphone. “So grab your partners, young ladies and gents, for the main attraction of the Milton Summer Festival!”

  “Roswell!” Jay shouted behind me, but I stolidly ignored him. I joined the group of young people standing by the side of the covered pavilion. Overhead, the gray clouds were beginning to condense and grow darker. The heat and humidity seemed to thicken with them, making it feel as if the air was trying to crawl down my throat each time I breathed.

  “Hey,” I said, tapping a random guy on the shoulder. He turned around, revealing green eyes and a face spattered with freckles. I recognized him from school but didn’t know his name. “Do you want to dance?” I asked.

  “Uh, I have a partner already,” he said, turning the girl beside him to face me. She was stunningly beautiful, with dark skin and a short, sparkly dress. “This is Hayley,” the boy said, but I was already turning away.

  I pushed past people until I saw a boy on the outside of the group, short and chubby with a green T-shirt and jeans on. I recognized him as Robbie, a boy two grades younger than me. His older brother had graduated last year. “Hey,” I said as I approached. “Do you have a partner for the dance?”

  He looked up, his eyes brightening as he saw me. “No, I don’t,” he said hopefully.

  “Would you like to be mine?” I asked.

  He smiled and nodded.

  “Sweet.” I grabbed his hand. “Let’s get up there.” Couples were beginning to file onto the pavilion just as the clouds overhead released the rain they had been brewing. Water spotted my dress.

  “Okay,” Robbie said as we headed to the steps of the pavilion. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name. What is it again?”

  I glanced back over my shoulder and saw Jay at the edge of the crowd, looking disgruntled and confused. “That doesn’t matter,” I said. Robbie looked at me without comprehending, but I pulled him up the steps to the pavilion. Music was already playing as teens and tweens took their places. I caught a glimpse of Katie’s shining face and her arm around a boy her age.

  Robbie and I joined the line as rain began to fall in earnest outside the covered pavilion. I felt the gazes of a hundred people like lingering pinpricks on my skin. My dress felt simultaneously too tight and too loose, too constricting and too revealing. The air was hot and sticky, and Robbie’s hand in mine was sweaty. I thought I would suffocate.

  Then the music stopped. There was a tapping sound of someone testing a microphone, and then a male voice spoke.

  “Before we start this year’s Summer Festival, I have a special announcement from two parents out in that adoring crowd.” I sighed. I just wanted to get the dance over with. I did not want to stand up here for an instant longer than necessary. “This is a loving shout-out to Rose Collins, daughter of Steve and Linda Collins,” the announcer said, and I froze.

  “These two parents want to celebrate their daughter’s achievements and recognize her as the beautiful young woman she is. Next year, when she turns eighteen, she will begin to take part in the management of the Collins farm. Well, isn’t that nice? Rose, would you wave to everyone?”

  My heart was pounding. I let go of Robbie’s hand, fearing I would squeeze it too tightly, and he looked at me with confusion.

  They planned this, I thought. The moment I told them who I really was, they started planning this. They wanted to make a fool out of me in front of everyone I know. They wanted to make it clear to the whole community that I was their precious daughter, that I would never be anything else, and that I would never leave!

  “Rose?” the announcer repeated.
I stared, wild-eyed, over Robbie’s shoulder and into the audience. After a moment I spotted my parents. Mom waved at me with a concerned smile, while Dad was stoic and unreadable. I swung my gaze to the rest of the crowd. Classmates, neighbors, people I’d known all my life were looking at me. Rose will be helping with the management of the farm. My parents were effectively vetoing my college plans in front of the whole community.

  “Rose, will you give us a wave? We’re not sure which one of these wonderful young dancers you are,” the announcer continued with a chuckle.

  My eyes darted to where Jay stood in the crowd. The rain had flattened his hair, and I couldn’t make out his expression. But his arms were folded, and he was staring up at me.

  “I can’t do this,” I breathed.

  “What?” asked Robbie. I ignored him, stepping away and facing the crowd.

  “There’s our girl, Rose Collins,” the announcer said, noticing that I had identified myself. In the crowd, Mom waved delightedly. I saw Jay still looking at me with that level stare.

  “I can’t do this,” I repeated, and then I ran for the pavilion steps.

  I shoved through the crowd to sounds of confusion and familiar hands reaching for me. “Rose, what’s wrong?” one of my teachers asked. Overhead, thunder nearly drowned out the announcer’s voice. With a crack, the heavens opened up in earnest, turning the dirt beneath my running feet to mud and masking me with a curtain of rain as I burst from the crowd and fled. I heard the voices of people I knew behind me, but I couldn’t turn back, because that would mean cementing myself into a life as Rose Collins forever. And I knew better now. I wasn’t going to stay on the farm. I wasn’t going to wear pretty dresses and dance in the Festival and be everything my parents wanted from me.

  “I’m Roswell Collins!” I shouted into the rain sluicing off my face, my shoulders, plastering my dress to me as I ran. “I’m Roswell Collins! I’m a boy!”